Sleeping With Allen J. Bennett

We didn't get much sleep last night. Cooper apparently took well to being at home, because he added another feeding to the schedule he had been on in the NICU. We got to bed around 1:30 or so. We were hardly asleep before he began to stir. Our thought was that maybe he was uncomfortable in his co-sleeper. Nope. He was hungry. He took as much in that feeding as he had taken two hours earlier. We settled in again around 2:30, maybe later. It wasn't long before he stirred again. In our sleep-deprived stupor, it took us a while to figure out that it was cold in the house. We fired up the heater for the first time this fall. Cooper should sleep soundly, we thought. We were wrong. Shortly after 5:30, we fed him yet again, and he almost ate as much as in the previous two feedings. Luckily, Savannah slept late today, so I did a get a couple of hours sleep.

So there we were most of the night, restless and sleepless, all four of us: Cooper, Kelli, me and Allen J. Bennett. No, we're not living "the lifestyle." So, who is Allen J. Bennett? Honestly, we don't know. About five years ago, Kelli's mom bought us some nice sheet sets for our bedroom. I don't know what percale is, but I think the sheets had some. Anywho, as we made up the bed with the charcoal grey linens, we noticed we had a visitor. At the head of the flat sheet, in yellow script, was the monogram "Allen J. Bennett." We never once considered sending the sheets back, because how often to you get bask in the ridiculous glow of personalized hubris?

What can we divine about this mystery man? Who is the real Allen J. Bennett? First, I think he is a short man. This is not based on any knowledge of psychology or sociology. It is based on a simple fact; I am a tall man, and I would never think of ordering sheets personalized with the name Allen J. Bennett. Therefore, he is short.

Secondly, I think Mr. Bennett is a lonely man. Anyone who puts his name on his sheets has made a declaration of his permanent bachelor-hood and his permanent datelessness. I mean, what self-respecting woman would join our friend Allen in his queen-sized shrine to self? And the sad part is, you know he thinks it's impressive. "Allen, I love your place. I wouldn't know all of these posters of you were by Glamour Shots if you hadn't told me so. And I've always wanted to be with a man on his own eponymous sheets." "They aren't eponymous. I washed them just for you." I don't see it happening. The only action these sheets would have seen is in the spin cycle.

Thirdly, Allen is a man of low morals. I know some people believe morals are relative, but there are definitely some finely-drawn lines. One of them lies between treating women as respected equals and trying to bed the ladies on monogrammed sheets. Any guy who puts his name on his sheets ain't joining the Promise Keepers, I'll tell you that much.

Finally, Allen J. Bennett has more money than common sense. Personalized sheets, people!

However, we have offered these sheets a better life. A life spent swaddling a loving, married couple. A life that has seen the addition of two new lives to this family. A life free of the shame of Allen J. Bennett. This is what we call "giving something back." To whom, we really don't know.