On a Scale from Winston to Maria

I don't know if it's the lack of sleep or what, but being the parent of a newborn does funny things to your brain. For instance, I spent most of my few sleeping hours last night dreaming that Birmingham was being destroyed by a superstorm which I controlled from my iBook. That's the last time I watch a cheesy disaster flick like "Category 7" while playing Snood right before bed. (By the way, I'm thinking of optioning the film rights to Snood. As bad as I hear "Doom" is, I couldn't do much worse.) Sometimes the sleep deprivation can come out in creative ways.

When Savannah was an infant, there were certain terms we adopted to describe her mood or condition. I'm expanding that to create a new lexicon, a verbal shorthand for parents in need of a certain economy of words:

•Vladimir -- As in Putin. To describe a gassy baby who has no trouble venting.
•Wyatt -- A condition of spitting up. Usage: "Uh-oh, he's Wyatt right now." "Why, did he urp?"
•Leon -- When Vladimir goes to far; having the Trotskies.
•Gershon -- The opposite of Leon; Bound; constipated.
•Bratch -- The term for a girl who is being both bratty and, well, that term reserved for the most severe of female behaviors. (We are Beta testing some options for the male equivalent. Brick? Prat? Bratstard? Son of a bratch? Brathole? We're working on it.)
•Churchill/Shriver -- A scale, ranging from 1 (or full Churchill) to 100 (full Shriver) for describing the baby's appearance. It's been said that all new babies look like Winston Churchill. As they grow and mature, their faces become sleeker, more angular. The most extreme angularity results in an appearance similar to that of Maria Shriver and requires regular face sharpening. Usage: "What does the baby look like." "About a 9.5 on the Churchill/Shriver scale."