Depressories

Are you like me, sick of all those motivational posters and calendars with pictures of beautiful mountainscapes or little kittens dangling by a single claw with the caption "just hang in there?" There is a solution. You can invest in my new business venture: Depressories -- unmotivational products for the professional who doesn't want to get their hopes up.

For example, using the kitten poster, we simply replace the caption with our own: "Let go already." It's the perfect message for the modern American who is disillusioned by devoting decades of his life to a greedy corporation whose executives pilfer his pension funds and leave him penniless in his advancing years. For those burned by manipulated election results, we offer a poster of a voting machine draped in an American flag with the caption, "Why Bother?" Then there's our signature product for the Paxil generation, "Today is a good day to kill yourself."

Many Americans today find themselves smothered in debt, exponential interest growth and escalating late fees. For them we offer several products: "Screw the Creditors," "Default Now," "Bankruptcy is Your Birthright," and the ever-popular "Sometimes you just have to skip town" featuring an image of a family of four helping Dad swap the license plates on the station wagon.

To maintain the proper workplace attitude, Depressories offers phrase-a-day desktop calendars. Some of the phrases include: "You're right. Your boss is an idiot," "Reject authority," "I want immediate gratification and I want it yesterday," "That's not in my job description," "Butt-kissers finish first" and "Nobody likes initiative." For women: "Sleep your way to the top," "Somebody has to clean the glass ceiling" and "Bonuses are for boob jobs."

Adjunct to our Depressories line are our misfortune cookies. A sample: "Be ashamed of mistakes," "Forget history, and repeat it," "Hold not on to hope, but rather a grudge," "Distrust everyone for they distrust you," "Buy the extended warranty" and "You're adopted."

Anyone with suggestions for new Depressories of misfortune cookies, post them in the Comments section.