Iron Bowl Day!

It's the most important religious holiday in the state of Alabama -- the High Holy Day of Football. Today is the annual Iron Bowl showdown between Alabama and Auburn. There's always a big national debate this time of year about which is the most intense rivalry in college football, and anyone who says anything other than the Iron Bowl has never set foot in this state.

As many people have learned over the years, when you move here from elsewhere in the world, you must make a declaration at the state line. You must answer one simple question that will determine your fate for the rest of your life: "who ya for?" There is no middle ground in Alabama. Even if you are a graduate of West Point with a master's degree from Notre Dame and a doctorate from Stanford, you have to make a choice -- is it Alabama or Auburn?

There was a time, and I hesitate to mention this in a public forum, when I thought I might like Auburn. It lasted for about 2 weeks when I was, I don't know, maybe 13. Coach Bryant had died. I was going through puberty. I had grown six and half inches in one summer, and I think I was still dizzy from the height. It didn't last long enough for me to actually buy any Auburn stuff, which is good, because I would have had to go through the ritual ruination when I came to my sense. That ritual consists of burning the offending items in a crimson cauldron sprinkled with Dreamland Bar-B-Q sauce, urinating on it to put out the fire, then burying it with a lock of tiger's hair (or a feather from a golden eagle, if you're in a pinch.)

Apart from that brief daliance, I've been an Alabama guy. I don't know why. My parents don't really give a flip about football. Unlike so many of my friends, I wasn't raised right when it comes to football. I am, however, correcting the sins of my forefathers by raising my kids as Bama faithful. Savannah has been to more games in her four years than I had attended prior to my freshman year at the Capstone, and she already knows the fight song by heart. (And she sings it the right way, unlike all those cretins out there who think it's "Yea, Alabama, Crimson Tide." It's "drowned 'em Tide," you posers! Look it up!)

I remember how devastated I was when Alabama lost to Mississippi State in 1980, snapping a 28-game win streak and dropping the Tide from its last #1 regular season ranking. I didn't understand it. Alabama isn't supposed to lose. How could this happen? Had God forsaken us? Savannah had a similar reaction after last week's OT loss to LSU.

Had things worked out differently, my life could be a real challenge in the fall. My first true love in high school was an Auburn fan. She eventually attended the Cow College, and I assume she married some poor misguided soul who will burn eternally for wearing the orange and blue.

What the hell kind of color combination is that anyway? Orange is just not a pretty color, I'm sorry. I know Auburn's is not as offensive as the road pylon orange in Knoxville, but it's still orange. You know the old saying, "all things evil wear orange." Or as they say in fashion circles, "orange is the new puke." For religious reasons, we don't let our kids wear Halloween shirts -- not because we're ultra-conservative and opposed to Halloween celebrations, but because we're opposed to orange in all forms. It is the anti-crimson.

I am sometimes saddened that I wasn't able to save my high school sweetheart's soul, but it's a broken world. Freedom of choice does mean that people have the freedom to choose their doom. Sadly, many do just that. Fortunately, God smiled upon me and blessed me with a wife who knows blood cells come in only two colors: crimson and white.

As for the question of the best college rivalry, it's no contest. Only the Iron Bowl is so intense, so contentious that the game was not played for 40 years -- all because the two teams couldn't even agree on the proper per diem for the players in 1907. As a result, it's not the most often played rivalry. It definitely is the most heated. Only in Alabama do we live all year for one game. Even if it's pushed to the backs of our minds, thoughts of this game are present during each of the four seasons: football season, recruiting season, spring practice and fall practice.

Today is the 70th matchup between the Tide and Tigers. My pick: Bama 16-13. What else?