Happy Holidays, or whatever...

I just read that, in response to the Wal-Mart "Happy Holidays" flap, Jon Stewart said on The Daily Show that "every time you say Happy Holidays, and angel gets AIDS." Brilliant.

What an interesting Christma-, I mean, holiday season this has been. I don't see a problem with saying Happy Holidays as opposed to Merry Christmas -- many of us have done that for years. I always figured it encompassed the whole season from Thanksgiving to New Year's Day. Plus, you never know if the person to whom you are speaking is Jewish or not. Okay, if someone has a bowl cut and a little mutton chop mustache and they walk around goose-stepping with a copy of Mein Kampf under one arm, chances are they aren't going to bum matches off you to light up the menorah. On the other hand, a guy named Moishe Feingold who owns a wholesale diamond concern isn't likely to know the lyrics to "Hark, the Herald Angels Sing." Otherwise, play it safe.

The rub comes with businesses that have banned the word Christmas while being careful to include Hanukkah and Kwanzaa. (For those who still cling to the ancient Roman holiday of Saturnalia, you'd best subscribe to HBO, because that's the only place you're going to get some love.) I heard it suggested that if the Christmas tree must become a Holiday tree, then the menorah should become a Holiday candelabra. I like it.

Carrying the PC trend to the extreme, we must then rename every potentially offensive or exclusive holiday tradition. The dreidel becomes the "solstice spinner." Yule logs, mistletoe and lights on trees should be banned altogether due to their connections to the traditions of the Druids. (Just don't bring it up to your Druish friends. You know how those Drus are.)

Christmas stockings become celebratory decorative archaic footwear. Wreaths should be used only to show solidarity with Martha Stewart. But you have to make it yourself!

Even Santa Claus suggests a Catholic origin, so Winter Claus would be more appropriate. Some might suggest the use of SC's alter-ego, Kris Kringle. But it is derived from the German Krist Kindle, or Christ Child. That's more overtly Christian than the word Christmas itself. I should be sued by the ACLU for even typing it!

I wonder how many of these "issues" would even be discussed if it weren't the era of 24-hour cable news... If the fundamentalists ever wake up to the fact that these networks are using their self-righteous indignation against them, they'll probably lighten up and start treating people with the same love and grace that Jesus personified. And that, friends, is what we call sarcasm. Actually, they'll just start their own CNN -- Christian News Network. I can see the bumper stickers now: God is my co-anchor.

Speaking of which, why haven't I seen "God is my wingman" yet? It's out there. You know it is.

Would it be so bad if we all just said our greeting of choice? I say Merry Christmas. You reply with Happy Kwanzaa. It's practically Han and Chewie, and that has to be good. And big retailers like Wal-Mart need to be honest with their greetings as well. Instead of Happy Holidays, their banners should read, "Celebrate your consumerism -- buy needless crap under the guise of religious observation." Okay, so it would look terrible on a banner, but Wal-Mart is not exactly known for their chic.

Category:

• Fustian